


The Life of Amanda Stevens

by Asylum_fries



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Amanda Stevens, Cutting, Eating Disorders, F/M, Kid Fic, M/M, Some angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8122984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asylum_fries/pseuds/Asylum_fries
Summary: Jude and Connor are fostering a child. That's what Jude tells himself, but no, they're definitely adopting this kid.





	1. Age 1-4

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't really know how often I'll be updating this. In future chapters there will be more Amanda POV and they'll get longer since Amanda will be old enough to talk.

Age 2 weeks:

"I'm nervous, what if I drop him?"

"My God, Jude, relax, you aren't going to drop him." 

"What if-"

"Stop right there, you're gonna freak yourself out, it will all be fine." Connor's phone started ringing. "It's probably his social worker now." Connor put it on speaker.

"Mr. Adams Foster, there's a problem." Jude squeaked.

"What's the problem is he okay?"

"That's the thing, you know how we told you his twin sister and mother died in child birth?"

"Oh God." Even Connor was pale now.

"It's not bad, it's just that there was a mixup and actually the girl, Amanda, was the one who lived, I have to ask, do you still want her?" Jude and Connor both sighed in relief.

They had somehow convinced themselves and each other that they were only fostering a kid until he found another home, but they both knew they would end up adopting him. Or as the information was now revealed her.

"Yes." 

"Yes."

"Of course." Jude said as one more confirmation.

"Okay, wonderful, we will be over at around 2:00." The social worker hung up.

"It's a good thing Marianna wouldn't let us gender the decorations."

"I told you everything would be okay."

Jude looked Connor in the eyes and grabbed his hands, Jude was crying a little.

"We're gonna have a kid." Connor squeezed Jude's hand.

"We are going to have a kid together."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

At 2:00 Jude and Connor were introduced to their less then 1 year old daughter, Amanda. Amanda was very small. She had a little bit of brown hair and eyes that looked a lot like Connor's. Amanda had a few cuts and scars already. To Jude and Connor cuts and scars or not, Amanda was perfect.

Age 2: Amanda was giggling like crazy as Jude ran around the house with her on his shoulders.

It all started when Amanda said in her cute 2 year old voice "Piggy Back wide!" Jude couldn't say no to her.

Connor came in and saw Jude exhausted on the floor breathing heavily. 

"Piggy back ride?" Jude just nodded and Connor threw him his water bottle.

"You know she's not sleeping, and is just in there playing with her stuffed animals."

"Why did we get her so many?"

"Because she wanted them, and her relatives were more then happy to get her them."

"You know, she named one after Brandon, but none of them are Marianna."

"Let's just not tell Mari," Connor added, "Which one is Brandon?" 

"The cyclops dragon thing." They both laughed.

"I thought having a two year old would be boring, no more first crawl or first words, first steps, but she's just so amazing." the two sat in the rare silence.

"We should probably try to get her inevitably messy room cleaned up." Jude and Connor looked at each other for a few seconds before both yelling  
"I call fun dad." Jude got up and started running to Amanda's room, but Connor ran past him and got there first.

"Sorry, babe." he said as he entered the room.

"Hi Mandy." Of course Amanda was in a too too and she had a pile of stuffed animals around her.

"Hi!" Amanda said very bubbly as if everything needed the exact same exclamation to it as saying "surprise!"

"Did daddy give you a piggy back ride?" Connor and Jude quickly found out that Amanda called Jude daddy and Connor papa.

"Yes!" Connor chuckled at Amanda's constant enthusiasm.

"Well, papa is gonna tickle you." Amanda giggled loudly as Connor tickled her. She wriggled all over the floor which gave Jude the time to pick up all her stuffed animals and put them in the very large bin.

"Daddy help!" Amanda shrieked in laughter.

"Sorry, Mandy I'm defenseless against the tickle monster, I married him." Jude sighed. He did marry the tickle monster, and maybe he would adopt the tickled princess.

Age 3: "I don't understand why we have to ask her."

"Because we need to know if she wants to be adopted."

"We're the only parents she has ever had, and its not like she's going to remember us asking."

"Yeah, but..." Jude sighed. "Having two gay parents isn't exactly every toddlers dream.

"Are you saying that Stef and Le-"

"No, I'm just saying we're asking, even though she's gonna say yes."Jude added, " and there's a chance she'll say no."

"There's no chance, Amanda loves us."

Age 4: 

"Babe, do you know where my running shoes went?"

"No."

"Ugh, I'm gonna be late to work if I don't find them." Connor said.

"Just take the other ones."

"Fine." Connor quickly grabs his dirty sneakers and runs out the door to not be late.

"Mandy, do you know where papa's running shoes went?" Jude asked in a baby voice. Mandy just shook her head.

Jude handed her a toy and went to clean up breakfast, hoping that he could actually get work done today.

It was later in the day and Jude noticed that the family's groceries were running down. Jude carefully picked up Amanda and set her on the couch to help her put her shoes on.

Amanda squirmed all over the place and after a good 5 minutes Jude got them on her and she kept them on.

Jude was now looking for his dark blue canvas shoes. He wore them a lot and remembered putting them at the door, but now they weren't there. 

Jude assumed Connor moved them in his panic to leave, so instead of giving Amanda more time alone that she would use to take off her shoes, he grabbed a different pair of shoes.

They came back and Jude made dinner while Amanda watched some kids show that probably had a moral lesson at the end.

"Hey, babe." Connor said as he came in and wrapped his arms around Jude's torso and kissed his neck it started chaste, but was quickly becoming more intense with the intent to leave a mark.

"Kid." Jude reminded Connor.

"She's 4 she's not going to remember." Jude pushed Connor away anyway.

Connor went up to Amanda where she was sitting. He kissed her forehead.

"Hello Mandy, at least you let me kiss you." he kissed her forehead again.

"Hi Papa." Amanda replied absentmindedly, her focus was on the talking animals.

The next day, Connor was looking for his shoes again.

"Con, you've got to be more responsible then this."

"I'm not losing them, they were right here." Connor was pointing at a spot near the door.

"Well you're gonna be late, so take the pair of converse." Jude and Connor both knew you couldn't work out as well in converse, they didn't count as athletic shoes.

The same thing happened with Jude too, the shoes he wore in place of the missing ones were also gone.

It wasn't till Amanda's bedtime that Connor found the shoes.

"Mandy, after one story, you need to sleep."

Connor read the story and was more tired then Amanda at the end. He kissed her goodnight and tried to walk away quietly, when he tripped. He caught his balance again, but was surprised to see there was a lump in the pink rug.(everything was pink)

It was Jude's shoe.

"Mandy, you shoe thief." Connor said. He grabbed all the shoes from around the rug.

He sat at the edge of her bed.

"Mandy, why did you take the shoes?"

"It was a sca-n-ger hunt." Amanda replied.

Connor chuckled. His daughter was so silly.


	2. Ages 5 and 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another cute chapter featuring 5 year old Amanda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No angst yet, but next chapter. Anyway this chapter is a bit longer then the last. Hope you like it.

Age 5

"I wanna be a princess." Amanda said with a twirl.

"Or you could demolish gender stereotypes and be spiderman or-"

"But Mari, I wanna be a princess." Amanda whined.

Marianna was not going to try again, it was what Amanda actually wanted to be.

_"Ok, what color?" Amanda thought for a moment, she couldn't decide on green, because Tiana was her favorite disney princess, or pink, because it was her favorite color._

_Marianna had agreed to babysit Amanda and take her shopping for a last minute Halloween costume, trick or treating would start in a few hours, but Jude and Connor didn't want to take her shopping and left it till last minute._

_"I want pink." Marianna groaned._

_"You're so basic."_

_"What does that mean?" Amanda asked._

_"Sorry, I forgot kids stopped saying that." Marianna added, "How about yellow, since you look kind of like Belle?"_

_"Pink, Mari."_

_"Fine."_

_It was officially 5:30 and trick-or-treating time._

_"Daddies, I'm a princess!" Amanda yelled._

_"Oh you're such a cute princess, Mandy."_

_"Are you ready to go trick or treating?"_

_"Yes." Amanda ran a little ahead, but Jude and Connor could still keep an eye on her._

_"You know, shes not always going to be our princess." Jude said._

_"Why would you even say that?"_

_"So you could remember she wont be a kid forever, soon princess will turn to slutty princess"_

_"Jude, seriously, kid," Connor pointed to Amanda who was still fairly far away, "and yes she wont be a kid forever, but she is one now."_

_Amanda came back with her Jack-o-lantern shaped candy bucket._

_"Daddies, hurry up." she even added a pout before running ahead again, so Connor could continue the conversation._

_"And we don't use words like slut."_

_Amanda came back from the next house with a lot of small candies._

_"Daddies look look look I got a kit kat, and a starburst, and a life saver, and a snickers-"_

_"A snickers, can papa have it please?" Connor asked._

_"No, it's my candy." Amanda held her bucket to her chest._

_"Well if you don't share then... The tickle monster will get you." Amanda shrieked and after only a few seconds of tickling, Amanda gave Connor her snickers._

_Age 6_

_"Hey, Aunt Mari." Amanda whispered and took the small bag Marianna had from her hands._

_"I'm here to help." Marianna was being as quiet as she could._

_"Time for operation daddies' breakfast." Both Connor and Jude were asleep, but as Fathers' day tradition Amanda was making them breakfast in bed._

_Marianna offered to help because she didn't want Amanda trying to use the stove by herself and Amanda loved the idea._

_"Ok, so, you hit the egg carefully with a spoon, but be careful."_

_"Careful." Amanda echoed. She carefully did what Marianna said. Amanda was a good listener and could usually follow instructions._

_In no time the entire kitchen smelt amazing._

_"Your dads are gonna love this." Marianna said putting a piece of bread in the toaster._

_Amanda finished up her fathers' day card (which Marianna taught her how to punctuate correctly) and Marianna arranged the ham, eggs, pancakes, and toast._

_They were being very quiet but when Amanda opened the door she suspected Jude had been awake._

_"Happy Fathers' day!" she yelled. Connor was definitely not awake beforehand and fell out of bed. Marianna was laughing so hard she almost spilled over all the food, thankfully she didn't, but it was close._

_"Good morning, Judicorn and Conikins."_

_"Hey Mari, what are you doing here?" Jude asked._

_"You've been awake since Mandy opened the door for me, you went into dad mode, you knew I was here."_

_"That is true." Jude said. Marianna set the breakfast tray on Connor's lap._

_"Mandy, you made me breakfast?" Connor sounded like breakfast was the greatest thing a person could ever make for another._

_"She made US breakfast and you're not eating it all."_

_"Wait are you two naked under there?" Marianna asked shocked._

_"No, we're not, but we're married, we could if we wanted too." Marianna stuck her tongue out at Jude's comment. Jude rolled his eyes. "Mari you're an adult, how much of a comeback is sticking your tongue out"_

_Connor ignored there sibling bickering._

_"Mari, thanks for making sure Mandy didn't try to use the stove by herself." Connor said._

_"Anything for my favorite niece, anyway it's 7:00 so I got to start heading out." Marianna said as she left she added, "your welcome for teaching her how to punctuate fathers' day correctly."_

_Neither man cared about what Marianna was saying because they were eating the best pancakes of their lives, but then again everything taste better when you're eating it in bed._

_"Mandy, you're the best." Connor said in between mouthfuls._

_"We love you so much Mandy, and thank you for the breakfast."_


	3. Age 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda Stevens is now 7 but it's going to get slightly angsty featuring Aunt Taylor.

Age 7:

"Connor, she needs to start actual school in a few days and Anchor beach is the best place for that to happen."

"Jude, we can't move."

"It would be closer to our parents, we went there, and the staff is super accepting." Jude was trying to sound persuading.

"You're not listening." Connor felt frustrated.

"And you're not caring about our daughter."

"How dare you try to play that card, I love Amanda AND AM ACTUALLY THINKING OF HER which is why we SHOULDN'T MOVE." Connor yelled.

"THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD SCHOOLS HERE!" Jude was yelling now too.

"I can't argue with you right now, I'm going on a run." Connor relaxed, but still seemed very aggravated at Jude.

"Fine, go, run, keeping up your personal trainer job, when you can easily make this a profitable business that would allow you to be available for Amanda, you know, your daughter." Jude angrily breathed out before storming away.

The men didn't know that Amanda heard everything and she'd never seen her dads get into a fight (at least not one that didn't end in tickles)

Amanda sat on her bed thinking. She could only think of one thing.

"Natalie's parents got divorced because of moving. Papa's parents got divorced because they stopped loving each other. Would dads get a divorce? If they did, it would be all my fault."

Amanda sat there for a few seconds just thinking some more before she burst out crying. She thought calling her Aunt Taylor would make it better.

"Hel- Mandy are you okay? are you crying? should I come over? what's going on?" Mandy sniffled.

"Dads just had a big fight."

"About what?"

"Moving." Amanda had started the weird crying hiccuping thing.

"Honey, it's okay moving can be tough, Mandy it's fine you'll make new friends, your dads are probably just stressed."

"It's not about moving it's if we should move."

"Do you want to?" Taylor was the first person who asked.

"If I get to see Grandmas and Grandpa more."

"Then tell them that, I'm gonna talk to Jude so he takes his head out of his a- um so he is nicer." Taylor didn't have any kids and wasn't used to keeping the language down.

"But what if they get a divorce?"

"A div- Honey that's not going to happen your dads love each other so much, they got in bigger fights when we were younger and they're still together."

"What if-"

"No what ifs, they love each other."

"Promise?"

"Of course promise, virtual pinky promise."

Amanda hung up, it was just one fight.

By know it was 7pm and it would soon be dinner time, so Amanda went out hoping she didn't look like she had been crying. 

"Mandy, always on time, help me set the table, please." Jude said.

Amanda set the table, hoping papa would come back, he'd been running for an hour.

The front door opened and Connor came in.

"I'm not late for dinner am I." he said flashing a smile at Amanda.

"No, dinner isn't even ready yet, so you can go take a shower." Jude said calmly.

Connor walked away and came back 15 minutes later in clean clothes.

Dinner didn't have much conversation. At the age of 7 Amanda didn't know what it was called, but she could feel the tension.

"I'm gonna grab my homework."

"7 year olds have homework? You're only in the first grade and you're getting so smart."Connor told Amanda.

"Ok so just because she does homework that school is the best, even though you know the benefits of Anchor Beach." Jude whispered so Amanda couldn't hear. He didn't know she heard the fight.

"Jude, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said some of the things I did, but I don't think moving is right when you don't have a stable job."

"I'm sorry I questioned how much you love Amanda, I know you love her to pieces."Connor leaned over and gave a chaste kiss to Jude.

Amanda was going to leave her hiding place and step into the dining room when Jude continued.

"I don't get why you don't feel writing is a stable job."

"Well you don't know where the next pay check is coming from."

"What does that mean? as long as at least one of my reports is considered good enough I get money."

"What if your report isn't chosen?"

"I help edit for a few companies, is it because my job is online?" Jude asked searching for an answer.

"No, babe, it's fine, forget I said something your job is completely legitimate."

"That sounded very sarcastic."

"It wasn't."

"Ok, explain to me why you won't consider the at home personal trainer business, is it because your scared it won't be stable?" Jude asked.

"Yes, Jude, that's exactly it, I don't know if we can spend tons of money on a house and then live off of your sketchy pay checks."

"Sketchy." They weren't yelling, but anger was evident in their voices and they didn't bother to whisper anymore. "If you won't risk it for Amanda's education what are you willing to risk it for?"

"There you go again, even though I'm the one thinking of Amanda, you're trying to make me feel like you care about her more."

"Oh my gosh, I see it now, maybe I do, I was the one worried she'd have a hard time at school, wouldn't want us to adopt her, and something bad would happen with her fostering process, maybe I do care more."

"Jude, don't say that, You're being incredibly difficult, and I care about Amanda so much, you really just can't see my point."

"Maybe I can't, because it's stupid, we have to take chances."

"We have to support Amanda."

"We can." it wasn't till then that Jude looked over and realized Amanda was there frozen horrified.

She suddenly blinked back to functioning status and just walked away.

"Shit." Jude smacked Connor in the chest.

"Language, we have a kid if you haven't forgotten."

Amanda didn't bother with crying this time. This time she just stared out her window. She wanted to move, she could see the beach, and her grandmas, and Grandpa Adam.

She didn't really understand the situation, but she knew dad was being mean saying that he loved her more.

On the other side of the door. Jude and Connor were doing a silent communication thing deciding who would go in and talk to her. Connor won.

He knocked on the door.

"Hey Mandy, can I come in?" there was no reply so he opened the door.

"Mandy, will you talk to me?" Amanda turned away from the window facing her papa. "I'm sorry you saw us fighting, can you tell me what you're feeling?"

"I'm feeling sad."

"Why?"

"Because you and dad are getting a divorce."

"Amanda, why would you think that, we are not getting a divorce."

"Your parents did."

"Because they stopped loving each other."

"You still love each other?"

"Of course, I will never stop loving your dad."

"But you were fighting, twice."

"We've fought a lot of times, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other, I love him almost as much as I love you, that's why we adopted you." Jude gave a "hey" from behind the door to remind Connor he was listening.

"I don't really understand adoption." 

"Can we explain it to you later?" Jude and Connor decided not to explain adoption to her yet, it was complicated and the part about her bio mom dying might scare her.

"Sure." Amanda says.

"It just means that we wanted to help you out, but then we chose that we never wanted to give away our sweet, cute, precious, Amanda." Connor helped.

"I like that." Amanda took a deep breath. "Papa, I want to move, I want to go to Anchor Beach and be close to grandmas and the ocean."

"Y-you do?"

"Yeah."

"Ok I'll talk to dad." Connor got up and opened the door surprised that Jude had left. He went into their bedroom. Since Jude would probably be there.

Jude ran up and hugged Connor as he opened the door.

"Con, I am so sorry, for real this time, I feel so bad I shouldn't have said you didn't love Amanda as much as me, I was just trying to hurt you, which I should never do, because I love you so so much." Jude rushed out.

"I love you too, and I should also apologize, Amanda wants to go to Anchor Beach I think we should move, I was just being scared, I'm sorry I said your job is-"

"Stop you're right it's not, just hoping I get enough entries selected is not stable." Jude was looking down and so was Connor, but then Jude's frown turned into a smile."It's not a stable job, but I was offered one."

"What?"

"A magazine wants me to become their official editor, they were already sending so many papers to me to edit they decided I should just do them all."

"Oh my god, Jude that's amazing."

"It's called Asylum Fries Weekly,(AN: sorry just had to name the magazine after me) it's a magazine for teenagers, so I'll know about what's going on first, and they pay double, while still allowing me to work from home."

"Jude this is unreal." Connor kissed him. Jude and Connor started to move backwards Jude was on the bed panting heavily from the kisses. Connor was on top of him kissing the area around his ear.

"We should probably put Mandy to bed first." Jude said crawling away. Connor just groaned.

Jude walked into Amanda's room since the door was open. She was smiling and doing her homework.

"Mandy, sweetie, it's time for bed."

"Ok." Amanda groaned. "What are the plans for tomorrow." Amanda usually asked. She liked knowing what was going on.

"After school you're getting a hair cut," Amanda's bangs were getting kind of long. "Then, we're going house hunting, to find a house near Anchor Beach." Jude didn't talk with Connor about house hunting yet, but he knew Connor would say yes.

"We are?"

"Yep, we're gonna be moving."

"Yes, Daddy this is so exciting."

"It is, but you need to get to bed."

"Ok." this time Amanda didn't seem so disappointed.


	4. Ages 8 and 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8 year old Amanda and taking your child to work day and 9 year old Amanda visits Adam.

Age 8:

"Mandy, this is very important, you can either go with papa to his smelly job at fancy people's houses to do boring exercise or you can come with daddy and-"

"Watch him work in his boring cubicle." Connor interrupted.

"You're being biased."

"So are you."

Amanda's family had moved closer to Anchor Beach and lived pretty close to her Grandpa Adam. 

Connor had opted to join a personal trainer business instead of starting one, it still worked for their schedule. Connor didn't have to stay in a gym all day and went to clients houses. Usually very rich people gave gifts for holidays, which was a nice bonus of the job.

Jude liked his job after the first few weeks of being treated like a useless intern, he got to actually do some editing work and was working on a where are they now for Disney kids. As an editor he got to sit in on interviews with celebrities to, as his boss put it, "find how we can enhance meaning based on what YOU saw."

They lived in a 3 bedroom ranch house. Amanda preferred it because now foster kids didn't have to stay in her room.

Amanda got to redecorate her room because her old one was so "6 year old" The walls were now purple with turquoise dots, but she still had a mountain of stuffed animals. She had taken down the pictures of Disney princesses for cute dressed up animals. She was slowly getting over her everything has to be pink phase.

There was one poster in Amanda's room that stood out, it was a picture of a small robot called the Mandy that Marianna had created at MIT.

Marianna was her favorite aunt even though she would never tell Callie or Taylor that.

"Can I go to Mari's work for take your child to work day."

"In a satisfying turn of events we both lost as coolest parent and now need to make an arrangement with Marianna." Connor said.

"Honey, she works for NASA she is probably not allowed to bring kids to work." Jude said to Amanda, while Connor pulled out his phone to call Marianna.

"I'm her favorite niece." Amanda whined.

"You're her only niece." Connor replied.

Callie didn't have kids, instead she had become a world traveling photographer for graffiti artists, some sketchy group of people paid her through multiple anonymous bank accounts. Which Jude really didn't like.

It was sketchy, but A.J and Callie had stayed friends after the break up, and he did a lot of graffiti work under the name super tagger, sometimes Callie could just follow his work instead of trying to find new artists.

Marianna had been trying to find a boyfriend for a while, but decided to put her search on hold to be more dedicated to NASA and less boy crazy.

Jesus is bisexual and ended up marrying Evan, a man. They fostered kids every once in a while, but didn't necessarily want to have a kid of their own.

Brandon had 4 kids. All were boys. He and Ari were the only ones who started fostering kids before Connor and Jude. Even with 3 biological kids and 1 adopted kid they were still fostering. Ari was in a house filled with boys.

At 5 in the morning Marianna was at the door. Well by at the door she was opening it because she was too smart for a fake decorative rock.

"Mandy, Con, Judicorn get up, get dressed, get out, it's time to start the day!" she yelled.

Mandy came out of her room groggy.

"Aunt Mari, how are you awake right now?"

"It's something called an espresso, dear, it's the closest thing to both drugs and magic."

"Oh." Amanda was now more confused.

"Hey Mari." Jude came out of his room yawning and shuffled to Marianna to give her a hug. "Thanks for taking her today."

"I brought you something." Marianna said grabbing 2 cups she had been holding. "A carmel mochiatto and a cinnamon latte."

"Thanks." Connor said taking a sip of one, not caring which was which. "Why are you here so early?"

"I need to be at work by 6:30 and you need motivation to get your child ready." Jude rolled his eyes which didn't go unnoticed by Marianna. "Oh Judicorn, 31 and sill sassy."

Jude mumbled something quietly about Marianna being 33 and still single, but no one heard it which was probably for the best it was to early to hear Marianna's independent woman speech.

"Daddy, Judicorn is a silly name."

"I know, Mandy, and you really need to get ready." Jude seemed exhausted and the coffee was not helping.

Marianna and Amanda's first stop was the NASA office where Marianna dropped her off with a bunch of other kids to watch a presentation. 

After 2 hours Marianna picked her up from the room and showed all her co-workers her niece. Amanda was loving the attention. 

"So Mandy, do you want to be an astronaut like Sid, a rocket scientist like Tammy, a head programmer like me, or a scientist like lee?" 

"I want to be like you." Marianna high fived Amanda.

"It's 8 AM lets go watch a movie." Marianna said leading Amanda too the car.

Marianna took Amanda to a movie, then to the beach, the spa, to lunch, to fro-yo, and lastly back to NASA so she could get a poster of a robot that was recently sent to Mars.

"Ok, I promised your dads I would take you to their jobs for a few minutes so let's head to Mrs. O'Neill's house to see Connor be a personal trainer."

Connor was taking a break when Amanda got there. 

"Papa!" Amanda ran to hug him, and Connor almost dropped his gatorade.

"Hi, Mandy, do you want to help with jumping jacks." Amanda nodded. Connor grabbed her hand and lead her to Mrs. O'Neill's work out room.

"Oh my goodness who is this precious dear?" Mrs. O'Neill asked.

"I'm Mandy." 

"It's take your child to work day." Connor explained.

"Hi dear, I'm Laura." Mrs. O'Neill squatted down to shake Amanda's hand.

"She's going to teach jumping jacks today." Connor said.

"Mandy, you do jumping jacks in junior lacrosse, right." Mandy nodded again. She actually did a pretty good job of explaining them to Mrs.O'Neill.

After, she helped count push ups and sit ups. Amanda had to admit telling people what to do felt good.

"Ok it's 4 we gotta head to Jude's job." Marianna held out her hand, for Amanda.

"Bye Mandy." Mrs. O'Neill waved.

"Bye Mandy, see you at home." Connor blew her a kiss and got back to telling Mrs. O'Neill the correct way to strengthen her core muscles.

The duo headed to Asylum Fries head quarters to see Jude.

"Mandy," Jude hugged her, "how would you like to play would you rather with the cast of Cloud Tigers." Cloud Tigers was the newest show that Amanda was obsessed with, it had good lessons and a very high production value.

Asylum Fries Weekly was interested in knowing the cast since they were all going to be in next summers hottest teen movies.

Amanda quickly got pictures and autographs from the cast members. They were having a good time together and Amanda was asking interesting would you rathers.

"Dad your job is way better then papa's." Jude did a silent celebration.

"Thanks so much for bringing her Mari, Mandy and I are gonna head home."

"No problem, I love hanging out with my favorite niece." Marianna said to Mandy.

"You inflate her ego."

"I teach her self esteem." Marianna debated.

"Fine, but you are now the on-call babysitter."

"What no." Jude just laughed and opened the car door for Amanda.

"Did you have fun today?"

"It was great." Amanda said with a smile on her face.

Age 9:

Today Amanda was going to Grandpa Adam's, they had moved closer, so they didn't need to schedule a visit, but Connor liked to know when he was going to see his dad.

"Hi Dad." Connor smiled and hugged Adam.

"Son." Adam saw Jude and Amanda walking out of the car together and quickly turned to Amanda.

"Mandy, my perfect granddaughter." He hugged her tightly.

"Hi Grandpa Adam."

"Do you want to learn baseball today?" Adam was old, but he could still move well.

"Sure." Connor smiled at Amanda and they all went inside, but Connor pulled Adam aside.

"Dad, go easy on her."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're very harsh when it comes to baseball, she's my daughter, and I don't want her to leave here with emotional scarring." Connor said sternly. He felt like a teenager being grounded again. The house didn't bring back stellar memories.

"Fine, nah, it's cool, I'll be nice, I am nice." Connor just patted his arm and went to find Jude.

Adam had actually been teaching Amanda nicely. Telling her things like "you're doing great, but next time do this." instead of the "GET YOU'RE HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS TINY TOTS LEAGUE DO IT BETTER!" that Connor got as a kid.

Connor thought Amanda might actually ditch lacrosse for baseball or softball after this.

"I'm going to get snacks." Jude said.

"I'll help." Connor moved himself from the spot he had been intently staring at Adam's teaching style.

Connor came back carrying a pitcher of lemonade and heard the tail end of Adam's conversation with Amanda.

"Your dads are a good pair maybe someday you'll have a solid relationship like that." Connor smiled, but then he heard Adam add, "preferably less same sex."

Connor knew Amanda didn't hear it or understand what it meant yet but it made him angry.

"Dad, not cool, that was homophobic and you don't get to 'help' my daughter decide her sexuality." 

"I was just putting out suggestions."

"Well stop."

Jude walked out of the house to the backyard where they were arguing.

"Mandy, do you want some snacks."

"Yes." Amanda dropped the bat and went to get a cookie.

Jude hadn't heard what Adam said so he just tried to keep Connor distracted till it was time to leave.

"Bye Adam." Jude said. There was a mumbled utterance of "bye dad" from Connor and a loud "bye Grandpa Adam." from Amanda.

When Amanda got into the car Connor turned to her.

"Hey, Mandy, I want you to know you can be whomever you want and like whomever you want and dad and I will still love you." Amanda was just nodding not knowing exactlly where this was going.

"We accept you no matter what, and we don't want you to be scared to tell us things." Connor adlded because Amanda was still just nodding.

"And if or when you figure out your sexuality you don't have to feel obligated to tell us." Neither Jude nor Amanda knew where this was coming from.

"Just know we love you." Connor ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side story.
> 
> Later that day in Jude and Connor's bed.
> 
> Jude was cuddled up to Connor, so he whispered in his ear.
> 
> "When you were talking to our daughter about sexuality and acceptance, I thought it was really hot." Jude kissed Connor's cheek.
> 
> "You did?"
> 
> "Uh huh." Jude started kissing down Connor's neck.
> 
> "I think Amanda is asleep."
> 
> "Yeah?"
> 
> "Yeah." Jude stratled Connor and kept kissing him. 
> 
> There was a knock at the door, so Jude got off of Connor.
> 
> "She is such a cockblock."
> 
> "Don't say that, you said it yourself, we love her."
> 
> :-) :-P


	5. Preteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda's slightly angsty preteen years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post these seperatley but I like the idea of just preteen years in 1 chapter. Age 10 and 13 are short but 11 and 12 are longer. Some offensive language in these ones.

Age 10:

"Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, what are you doing?"Connor asked rushing over to his daughter. Amanda just continued trying to stuff all the paper into the small trash container.

"I'm saying goodbye."

"Why and to what?"

"My childhood, I'm ten years old now, in less then half my age I'll be an adult, I'm saying goodbye to my kid days."

"You just turned 10, we haven't even finished the cake." Connor tried to convince her not to throw away her posters.

"Papa I'm almost an adult, in fact, I'm a tween."

"Is this because we finally fully explained adoption to you?" Connor asked. He seriously felt as if they should've explained it earlier, instead of putting it off and just telling Amanda they loved her. The problem is, it's hard to know how to go about explaining to a 9 year old what adoption is.

Amanda knew she was adopted. She knew she wasn't biologically Jude or Connor's. She just didn't know anything about her biological mom, mystery dad, late twin brother, or the actual adoption process. Which was recently explained to her, she took it well.

"No, that's not it, I'm just ugh, I'm double digits, but still a midget." Amanda was referring to what high schoolers called elementary and middle school kids. Anchor Beach was huge, it taught all grades, names were made.

"I want to be older."

"You are older, any older and it would suck and I would cry, so stop growing." Connor joked.

"Papa, I want to be seen as older." Jude walked in and heard what Amanda said.

"Is this about the party Natalie was talking about?" Jude asked.

"No, not completely."

"She's proclaiming her independence." Connor deadpanned.

"Is that why all your cute posters are in the trash?" Jude exclaimed.

"Yes, mature tweens do not need cutesy photos of kitties, puppies, and koalas on their walls."

"What about the stuffed animals?"

"Abandoned in a box." Amanda didn't even stutter. She had a fluff filled animal shaped hole in her heart, but she would play Jude's manipulation game to get to the party.

"Fine, since you're a big girl now you can go to the party." Jude said.

"Really!" Amanda squeaked. She cleared her throat." What I meant was really?" she said again, but more composed.

Usually Jude would let her go to one of Natalie's parties the first time she asked, but he heard it was co-ed and was going to be huge. Amanda had never been to a party that didn't have hand printed invitations, happy birthday balloons, and no set time for pick up.

"Just know you don't need to be someone you're not to be mature or fit in, especially not with us, if you want to leave call us, kay?" Jude asked.

"M'kay yeah, whatever, got it." Amanda had not listened because a day later she was in Natalie's living room, uncomfortable and wanting to go home.

"It's time for truth or dare spin the bottle biatches." Terry was the first to start cursing, her parents didn't care, and she didn't care.

Natalie's mom was unaware how big the party would be or that boys would be there, but it was already happening, she would just ground Natalie later and deal with all the preteens now.

"Oh that's the problem, I don't do spin the bottle." Amanda lied.

"Holy crap, I never realized how bad a liar you are, I totally thought you lied to get here." Keisha said.

"No, she doesn't want to play because Dylan is playing." Amanda lightly hit Natalie in the stomach.

"Not true, whatever, it's fine, I'm a tween now, I got this."

"She's a kissing virgin." Natalie stage whispered.

"No, I'm not, let's just play." Amanda lied giving murderous looks to her best friend.

"Gather around ladies and gents, Nat's mom has left to get snacks, let's have some fun." 10 or 15 kids ran into Natalie's living room.

"Any takers for who goes first?" This time it was Claire speaking, since she posed the idea to Terry after finding a bottle.

"I'll go." Natasha said grabbing the bottle and setting it in the center.

"Before you spin let's review the rules, you spin the bottle, wether it's a girl or a boy you have to choose to either kiss them-"

"ON THE LIPS." Claire added looking around.

"Or you can pass in which you get asked either a truth or dare you must complete, you are allowed to ask what the truth or dare would be if you don't kiss the person." Natalie finished.

"Questions?" Natalie asked, "none, good Natasha spin." Natasha spined it landed on Caleb she quickly kissed him and sat back down. Natasha wasn't even blushing.

Caleb spined and it landed on Ricky.

"Hell no, make the right choice dude." Ricky yelled, he was not planning on getting action from Caleb or any other guy.

"What's the dare?"

"You're thinking about this!" Ricky's eyes were wide. Caleb shrugged he didn't care if he had to kiss Ricky, it wouldn't mean anything.

"If you don't make Ricaleb canon you have to... Let..." Natasha thought a bit "Terry slap you in the face..." Terry's eyes lit up she would love to slap someone, "with a pillow." Natasha added.

"Ok, slap me T." Terry quickly got up grabbed a pillow and hit Caleb with all her might. She did not like Caleb at all.

"Kay my turn." Ricky spun, but it landed slightly between Amanda and Reggie. Ricky looked confused.

"Spin again." Elaine spoke up. She had a small crush on Ricky and would be fine with it landing on her.

He spun and this time clearly landed on Amanda.

"Dare." Ricky said without a second of hesitation.

"Hey!" Amanda gasped it was just Ricky being a douche.

"Fine, Ricky for being an ass you have to kiss... Jordan." Elaine said.

"Cool." Ricky said moving closer to Jordan C.

"Not Jordan C, Jordan L, male Jordan."

"What?, no way." Jordan L was gay he wasn't out, but he would kiss Ricky. Jordan was right next to Ricky, so before Ricky could say more he gave him a quick peck. 

This was the beginning of 11 year old Ricky's sexuality crises as he started leaning in, Jordan pulled back more and Ricky tried to move with Jordan's lips again. Jordan put his hands on Ricky's shoulders causing him to stay there and pulled back. Jordan didn't like Ricky not that way. But this isn't the Ricky story.

"Wow Ricky, sure you're straight?"

"Not anymore." Ricky mumbled so quietly nobody heard.

"What was that?" Natalie asked.

"Oh, I said, we should stop making comments about sexuality since Mandy is you know..."

"I'm what?"

"Uh whos turn to spin." Claire hated fights and was trying to change the subject.

"Mine." Amanda said. She spun the bottle it landed on Dylan. Dylan moved forward and kissed Amanda.

"Whoa!" Nobody was expecting that. Nor was anyone expecting for Amanda to go back in for another after Dylan eventually pulled away.

"Just because my parents are gay doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, Ricky."

Ricky blushed. He was seriously questioning his own sexuality right now and didn't feel like being a douche to Amanda.

After a few more spins it was Natalie's turn. She landed on Amanda.

"Um.. What's uh what's the truth?"

"What was your first kiss with all the details?" 

"I'll take that secret to the grave." Natalie said and kissed Amanda. It was short and they were friends, so nobody cared and moved on to the next spins.

To Amanda it was weird and she had had enough with kissing people or playing teen games at tween parties. She was cool with being a "midget."

Only 45 minutes after spin the bottle truth or dare started Natalie's mom came back. At around midnight parents started coming to pick up their kids.

Amanda was glad no more possible kisses would happen.

"Anything interesting happen at the party?" Connor asked.

"I'm done with being mature, I think I'll stick to small non co-ed parties." Connor smiled. He didn't know what happened, (and he would definitely freak out if he did)but it meant that Amanda was gonna be a kid a little longer.

Age 11:

Jude was on the computer when his phone rang. It was Lena.

"Hey Mama."

"I'm calling about Amanda." 

"Sorry, Hello Vice Principal Adams Foster." Jude laughed. Lena did not.

"Amanda is getting a suspension."

"What,? I'll be right over." Jude grabbed his things and quickly got to Anchor Beach.

He passed by Monte and Lena's Secretary not signing in like he was supposed to.

"What happened?"

"Amanda got into a fight with miss Deschnelli." Lena said calmly.

"What why?" Amanda didn't answer and was just sitting in the chair in front of Lena looking right through her.

"She won't tell us," Lena said, "she just keeps saying that it wasn't her fault and that Tiffany deserved it."

Monte started, "Anchor Beach has a no bullying policy, so it's a 2 week suspension if she can't give us a reason." Monte looked down to where Amanda was sitting, "and, young lady, if it happens again it'll be 1 month and 3 times is expulsion."

"Mama, can't you reduce the time, Mandy is a good girl, and I can't watch her for 2 weeks, I have work to do."

"She should of thought about that before she did it." Amanda got frustrated, so she grabbed her bag and stormed out mumbling something about the car.

"Ok, thanks for calling me, Mama."

"Bye Mr.Stevens."

"Right, vice principal mode." Jude kept forgetting.

In the car, Jude tried to talk to her.

"Mandy, do you care to explain?"

"Tiffany deserved it." Jude sighed, what was getting into his daughter?

"Ok well I'll be telling papa about this." Amanda huffed.

The second the car stopped Amanda stormed out and into her room slamming the door. She quickly grabbed her headphones and her tablet.

"Amanda Veronica Stevens, this is unacceptable," Amanda flinched at her full name she was barely called anything other then Mandy, not to mention her full name. "until you explain, I'm taking all electronic devices." As Jude collected all her devices he realized how spoiled she was.

"Can I at least have my mp3 player to listen to music? it calms me down." It was actually Brandon's old one and only had classical music and Someone's Little Sister on it.

"Sure, but give me the beats headphones you can use the crap, half working earbuds."

Connor ran into the house, he was still in his work out clothes.

"Is Amanda ok?"

"Yes." Jude answered.

"Well you only told me that you were going to the school because Mandy was in trouble."

"Maybe I should of been more specific, Mandy got in a fight with Tiffany and won't tell anyone why."

Connor groaned and went into Amanda's room, Jude followed.

"I was with a client, so you better explain, Amanda."

"That bitch deserved it."

"Language." Jude said.

"She is one."Amanda argued. Connor tried a different approach.

"Why did she deserve it?" Jude raised an eyebrow at Connor.

"Because that whore said the f word."

"Amanda Veronica Stevens, I've already told you watch the language and tone down the slut shaming words."

"Listen to your dad, and you just called her the b word does that mean you deserve to be hit."

"No, not that F word the homophobic one only bi-,"Jude gave her a stern look "only ignorant people use."

"Oh, sweetie, I know you want to defend us and Lena and Stef and so many people, but you can't do it with your fists."

"But she deserved it."

"Why, because she said the F word?"

"Yes."

"And you just called her a whore, they're mean names, but nobody ever deserves to hurt or be hurt." Amanda huffed.

"Thanks for standing up for us, I'm gonna go tell Lena." When Jude was gone Connor lowered his voice.

"So, Mandy what exactly did you do to her?"

"I gave her a black eye and a bloody nose." Connor gave her a fist bump.

"Nice, I get it, I got in a few fights too defending Jude and I."

"Really? tell me about them."

"No, violence is bad and I'll send you to a boarding school the next physical fight I hear about, defending my honor or not."

"Ok." Amanda said not really sure if the threat was real or not.

Age 12:

"Oh my gosh there's this new girl at school Robin, and she is so cool, I think her name should be Raven since shes kinda dark in a way, and she's so pretty,"

"She said she could teach me how to do eyeliner like her, because I know you said you couldn't teach me which is ok, because Robin is gonna do it." There wasn't even a second of space before Amanda continued.

"Natalie doesn't really like her though, she says she is too edgy, but I think that's another thing that makes her so cool. Can I invite her over for a sleepover? She's new in town and she says her parents are totally chill."

Amanda said the whole thing in barely 3 breaths and seemed like if Jude didn't answer she would get another essay in before he could speak again.

"Um it's ok with me, but you have to ask papa and we'll have to talk to Raven-er Robin's parents."

"Ok." The car stopped and Amanda ran out of the car and into her room.

Jude just sat and stared with a confused look on his face.

Jude set the food on the dinner table, but there were no utensils or plates. Amanda had been in her room since they got home.

"Mandy!" Jude called. She came out of her room on the phone.

"...okay cool Robin got to go it's my Dad." there was a pause, Jude assumed Robin was speaking.

Amanda started laughing like the most hilarious joke in the world had just been told. It wasn't her regular laugh though, it was toned down, and in a way, prettier sounding, but less natural. " I know right, Robin you're hilarious, bye."

Amanda finally hung up.

"Who was that?" Jude asked with a questioning eye brow.

"Oh, just Robin."

"Uh huh, well you forgot to set the table for dinner."

"Oh right."

Everyone was sitting at the dinner table that evening.

"So, papa, I asked dad if I could have a sleepover here with Robin, and he said yes, but I need to ask you."

"It's fine, but you still need to ask Robin's parents."

"Awesome." Amanda got up and took her plate to the sink. Quickly running to her room to, most likely, talk to Robin again.

Jude craned his neck to check and see if Amanda could hear him. Her room door was closed and she was already laughing the fake laugh again.

"I think Amanda has a crush."

"What? On who? How do you know?"

"I think she has a crush on Robin, she talks about her like I talked about you when I was younger."

"You really think Amanda likes girls?"

"I don't know, but she really seems to like Robin."

The day of the sleepover finally arrived. Robin was entering their house and it had to be spectacular since Robin was a Goddess or at least that's how Amanda continued to talk about Robin.

There was a ring at the door and Amanda screamed.

"She's here, she's here, she's here." It turned out to just be a package. A package of eyeliner, dark purple mascara, and bright red lipstick. Amanda had ordered it because Connor let her. Jude was not happy that Connor just let their daughter spend money on make up.

"Mandy, you know you don't need make up to look pretty you're pretty enough as it is." Amanda rolled her eyes.

"I know dad, I just want to." Right now, Amanda understood that she was super accepted, she was just over all the reminders. The door bell rang again.

"She's here, she's here, she's here."

Connor looked at Jude from across the room. Jude laughed.

"Hey Mandy." Robin said.

"Hi Robin." Amanda stepped aside about 15x more relaxed then she was 5 seconds ago.

Robin seemed to notice Jude. "My parents just dropped me off."

"Ok."

The girls went into Amanda's room.

Connor made a come here motion. Jude walked over to where Connor was standing.

"What if they are already together and are in there making out?" Connor whispered.

"I doubt it and if they are what's the point? we were making out at the age of 14, Mandy's smart and can handle herself."

"Shouldn't we just go tell her to keep the door open."

"That would be awkward if they don't like each other since we never did that with Natalie."

"But-"

"Shh calm down you need to relax, I get it, our little girl doesn't seem very little anymore with crushes and stuff, but we need to respect boundaries."

"Fine." about an hour in Jude was sent a selfie from Amanda. She wasn't smiling, she had a pout on her red lips, heavy dark mascara, and eyeliner that swirled at the end. Even without the smile Jude could see the happiness in her eyes.

"Is she wearing a band t- shirt from 2015?" Connor was looking over Jude's shoulder.

"Yes, I believe that's twenty one pilots."

"She wasn't even alive when they were making music."

"I guess Robin got her the shirt."

"Did she send it to you instead of coming out here and showing you." Connor was referring to the picture.

"Yes, it was probably so she wouldn't have to stop making out with her girlfriend." Connor's eyes widened. Jude pushed him."I'm kidding, I'm not even sure Amanda actually does have a crush."

"How are you the relaxed one in this situation?"

"I'm never the relaxed one."

"I'm gonna go ask them if they're hungry." Jude rolled his eyes knowing Connor didn't care if they were hungry or not.

Connor walked in without knocking he was glad they weren't kissing.

"Hi girls, just wanted to know if you were hungry yet, maybe I'll go pick up some pizza." Amanda looked at Robin.

"Sounds good pizza is cool." Robin said. Connor slowly walked out the door and left to order pizza.

"Who's that?" Robin asked.

"That's my papa."

"Oh, then who's the guy I met?"

"My dad."

"You have two dads?"

"Yep."

"Your 'parents' are gay?" Robin used air quotes around parents. There was a flash of a frown on Amanda's face but it went away in seconds. There was a chance Robin just didn't understand.

"Y-yeah my parents are gay, I'm adopted."

"What happened to your real parents?" Amanda shook it off again.

"My bio dad is a mystery and my bio mom died in child birth."

"Oh."

"So what should I call them?" Robin had disgust on her face, but Amanda looked right past it and instead just saw her friend.

"Jude and Connor, Jude is the shorter one with brown hair and-"

"Connor is the other obviously." Robin said coldly.

"Uh huh yeah."

"Are they 'married'?" To Amanda's chagrin Robin used air quotes again.

"Yeah."

"So what's the last name?"

"They just switched, but my last name is Stevens because it's shorter."

"Uh huh." Amanda was awkwardly smiling hoping it would cut the tension. Her dads told her she couldn't always stand up for them and maybe it was just different for Robin.

"So which is the girl?"

"They're both men, that's the point."

"Fine, which is the bottom?"

"First of all ew, I don't know nor want to know and those aren't the same thing, they're both masculine men." There was a quiet moment till Amanda smiled in an attempt to break the tension.

"Let's go get pizza." Robin stood up and walked to the door.

Jude and Connor didn't eat with them which made Amanda happy she didn't want Robin asking any more stupid questions.

The girls listened to music and had fun together till Connor came in again without knocking. Both girls were singing to Holding Onto You by twenty one pilots and dancing with hairbrushes as microphones.

Amanda still not noticing her papa went over to Robin and started videoing it for Snapchat. For the ending of the video they squished there cheeks next to each other and stuck out there tongues so the filter would work.

"Hey girls it's midnight and time for bed." Connor saw Amanda's pleading look and decided to be nice. "Or at least try to be quiet, so your dad doesn't make me come over here again."

"M'kay." Connor walked out giving a small chuckle at the silly young girls.

Amanda walked out of her room opening the door slowly so it wouldn't make sound. All the lights in the house were off including her dads' bedroom one. She tiptoed into the kitchen and then signaled for Robin to follow.

The microwave clock read 1:57. If Amanda or Robin got caught they would be in so much trouble.

"Found it." Robin said at full volume.

"Shhh, which color?" Amanda whispered.

"It's grape so purple." 

"That's cool, are you sure it'll show up in my hair, it's kinda dark."

"Yeah kool aid dying totally works, but we need to bleach your hair." Robin leaves and comes back a few seconds later with a bleach kit.

"How did you know I'd say yes?"

"You're easy to convince."

"Oh." Amanda looked at Robin. "Are you sure you know how to do this."

"Yeah it's easy." Robin was right and the part of the hair Amanda wanted dyed was bleached. 

Amanda was mixing the kool aid dye when Robin ruined their fun.

"So since your 'parents' are gay are you gay?" Amanda didn't even notice the air quotes this time.

"What?"

"Do you like chicks?" Robin grabbed the kool aid dye and started rubbing it into the bleached hair.

"I heard you the first time."

"So, tell me, are you a lesbo?"

"No." Robin finished dying the hair before she said something again.

"Are you sure you're not a dyke?"

"Are you asking because you're a lesbian?" Amanda was actually curious, it would explain all the questions if she was confused.

"Ew no gross."

"Seriously you need to stop, my grandmas are lesbians and you're being insulting."

"So gay 'parents' do make gay kids."

"Robin, is there something up your ass not allowing you to understand I don't like you being homophobic." Robin just looked at her.

"Let's just go to sleep and pray my dads don't flip when they see my hair."

Robin didn't talk to Amanda in the morning either, making breakfast very awkward before Robin left.

"Bye Robin see you at school."

"Bye Amanda." people barely ever said Amanda's full name so she assumed the two weren't friends anymore, but she didn't feel bad like she thought she would. 

Even just the thought of losing friends like Natalie and Kira made her feel bad, but when she thought about Robin never talking to her again she felt nothing.

Jude and Connor came out of their bedroom and saw Amanda sitting at the table staring at her cereal like it was trying to teach her physics. Jude wiped his eyes again.

"Mandy."

"Huh?" Amanda just realized her dads were there.

"Why is your hair purple?"

"Dads don't freak out."

"Mandy, what the hell did you do to your hair?"

"It was Robin, who left by the way, and I thought it would look cool."

"So you didn't think to ask us."

"Would you have said yes."

"Absolutely not."

"I would of said yes it looks good Mandy, but next time you change the color of your hair drastically you have to tell us." Connor was back to being the relaxed parent.

"You had your hair bleached by a 14 year old, do you know how dangerous that is?" Jude asks completely shocked by Amanda's actions.

"You were in the other room."

"Did you do it because of Robin?" Connor asked.

"No, I just thought it would look edgy and cool."

"Truth?"

"That is the truth."

Amanda said sternly.

"I believe you, but I still think that Robin girl is a bad influence, I don't think there will be anymore sleepovers."

"I don't think there will be anymore sleepovers either, she said some homophobic things, but I didn't really say anything till she called me a dyke and I guess I stopped her after she made a comment about which of you was the..." Amanda trailed off her face getting pink. "Never mind, I just don't think we'll be hanging out anymore."

"Sorry, sweetie, it can be hard to get over a crush."

"What?"

"It can be hard to get ov-"

"I heard what you said, I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HER." Amanda said face red partly because of anger and partly because of embarrassment.

"You talked about her all the time." Connor said.

"You talked to her all the time." Jude said.

"Robin was 'soooo pretty."

"And edgy."

"You kept saying how cool she was." Jude added.

"You trusted her enough to let her dye your hair." Connor said.

"She bought you a shirt."

"You giggled when you were around her and acted like she was the most hilarious person in the world."

"You listened to her music suggestions." Jude was about to continue but Amanda stopped him.

"Ok, I get it, I acted like I had a crush on her, but I didn't, I'm not completely sure yet, but I think I only like boys."

"What? how do you know? Who do you like? Have you kissed a boy?" Connor was back to being a protective parent.

"Relax Con, Mandy is smart, and she likes to stand up for us." Jude said it to Connor but it seemed more directed to Mandy as if he was reminding her to be smart and keep standing up for them.

Age 13:

"SHE'S A TEAR IN MY HEART I'M ALIVE SHE'S A-"

"MANDY." Jude couldn't focus with Amanda blaring twenty one pilots.

"Hmm huh what." Amanda was confused what the problem was.

"Keep it down or put in ear buds, but I can't work like this."

"Fine." Amanda grabbed her beats headphones and turned the song up.

"SHE'S A TEAR IN MY HEART TAKE ME HIGHER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN!"

"Amanda!" Amanda kept dancing and singing in the middle of the living room. Jude walked up to her and pulled her headphones off.

"Hey!"

"Can you take it to your room?"

"Ugh fine." Of course ten seconds later Tear in my heart was still pounding.

"Amanda!"

"Yes." Amanda feigned innocence.

"When I told you to take it to your room I meant headphones not that you could use your speakers."

"Why get me speakers if I can't use them?"

"Is this about something else?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just that this is the band that Robin showed you."

"Seriously dad I'm over her and there wasn't much to get over because I didn't have a crush."

"Ok fine, doubt it, but seriously, Mandy, turn it down or else it's no more music." Jude left, but less then 5 seconds after Twenty one pilots was blasting through the house.

"Amanda Veronica Stevens, I have told you to turn that 15 year old trash down, I am trying to work."

"Sorry dad, I thought it was plugged in." Jude raised an eyebrow at her.

"Honest." Amanda confirmed.

"Can you just turn off the music for now?"

"What, no, dad, music is like my life."

"That's not true you'll survive."

"Ugh Natalie is the only one who understands me."

"Oh my God."

"What are you going to take Natalie away too?" Amanda sassed.

"You're finally a teenager." Jude couldn't believe it, he had been dreading this would happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ricky Story.
> 
> "No, no, no, mom, let go of me." Ricky pulled his arm from his mom's grip.
> 
> "Ricky, hon, if you don't tell him, I will."
> 
> "You'd never tell dad I'm bi."
> 
> "I've come so close to doing it on accident." Carmen looked at her son, his eyes were filled with fear. "I buttered him up for you, if he doesn't accept you to bad because I do."
> 
> "I don't need to tell him, I'll just only date girls."
> 
> "You're dating a boy right now."
> 
> "And Logan doesn't care about if I come out or not."
> 
> "But I do." Ricky was known for being a douche, but he wasn't going to make his mom guard his secret, it would be a douche move.
> 
> He walked in with wobbly legs. He had been hiding the secret for 4 years until he told his mom last week.
> 
> "Dad... I am not completely exactly..." Ricky's mom pinched him for stalling. "Straight, I'm bisexual and I want you to know."
> 
> Ricky's dad laughed, but went back to his stern face after seeing Ricky's tears, he got up, but Ricky's mom was holding Ricky and wiping away tears.
> 
> "Carmen, you knew our son lived in sin."
> 
> "Do you love him?"
> 
> "I did, but back then I didn't know I was loving a queer, no son of mine will be a fa-"
> 
> "Don't say it or I'm ending this marriage." Carmen threatened pulling Ricky out of his dad's at home office.
> 
> "Look at him crying, before he was a homosexual he was tough." Ricky stormed back in.
> 
> "Guess what dad, I've always been a bisexual, my first kiss was with a boy AND I LIKED IT, so now I'm going to my BOYFREIND'S HOUSE because making out makes me feel better." Ricky ran out after a hug to his mom.


	6. Ages 14-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda is now a official teenager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff only in 15 and 16.

Age 14:

Natalie and Amanda had been friends since kindergarten and other friends may have had fights, but Natalie and Amanda didn't. 

They had a relationship where you could say mean things and you would know they're joking. If someone's feelings were hurt the two would talk about it. So, yeah Amanda could say Natalie's outfit made her look fat, but no one else could. Especially not Tiffany Deshnelli or as they called her Tiffany the smelly.

"Wow, pudgy, are you actually wearing that." Tiffany scoffed.

"Yeah." Natalie answered like she had just been complimented instead of insulted. Amanda knew Natalie could tell the difference.

"Back off Tiffany." Amanda said in Tiffany's face.

"Chill, Mandy." Natalie said.

Natalie moved to the area around Anchor Beach when Amanda was 6, they stayed in touch, but missed each other. Amanda soon after also moved and they were able to start first grade together.

None of that mattered because Tiffany and Natalie got acquainted fast. 

Tiffany was one of the few kindergartners who struggled a lot with reading. Natalie had started reading at the age of 4 and was very good at it, so in kindergarten retaliation, Tiffany hated her. 

Tiffany would steal Natalie's apple juice, say she poked her to get Natalie in trouble, make fun of her, and be just plain mean. This feeling of hate never went away. 

Tiffany had even forgot why she hated Natalie, at this point she just did.

Amanda was 6 year old Natalie's knight in shining armor. Which made Tiffany hate Amanda too.

The current problem was that Natalie wanted to be friends with Tiffany, she saw how Tiffany was treated, she knew Tiffany could get her to highschool parties, she wanted to be one of Tiffany's Bitchy allies.

Amanda didn't get it. She had never wanted to be friends with Tiffany, Natalie had friends, plus Natalie could never be considered not popular every clique liked her. Even Tiffany's allies didn't directly do or say mean things about Natalie they just encouraged Tiffany.

Amanda stepped back with a huff. Looking Robin right in the eyes.

Oh that's the other installment, the newest member of Tif nation was Robin. Robin was still edgy, but now there was nothing special about Robin, Tiffany's skank squad was dull, in order for Tiffany to shine.

Robin was now just the girl in the background who had streaks of blue hair and occasionally wore band merch from bands that were cool decades ago.

Tiffany didn't even like Robin. Tiffany knew Robin only liked her because she disliked Natalie, Tiffany also knew Robin was one to rebel. She was the only one she couldn't bribe with parties or blackmail with crush info.

Robin didn't always wear what Tiffany wanted her to wear, Robin didn't always walk the way Tiffany wanted her to walk, Robin didn't always like who Tiffany wanted her to like. Robin was a loose variable.

Robin was kept around for her loyalty, dullness, and cool makeup tips.

"Fat-alie, you think your fat ass will fit in a bathing suit." Natalie didn't even give a laugh, like she usually did at Tiffany's insults, she just stared with the fake smile on her face until Robin walked away causing Tiffany to follow.

That made Amanda smile, Robin knew what she was doing she was dethroning Tiffany to change it from a I hate Natalie group to the I hate Amanda club. 

"Natalie, don't listen to that twat, she's just jealous you're faster then her on the swim team."

"It's fine, I'm okay, I was actually thinking of working out a little more." Amanda looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "For summer, you know, get more toned legs, nice and beach ready." Natalie said to lower Amanda's suspicions.

"I promise, Tiffany isn't affecting me she's just a skank."

"Good." Amanda dropped it, Natalie had been raised by a diet obsessed mom, it was just her thing to want to look better when she was already amazing.

At lunch

"Oh Nat, you gonna eat that?"

"No, you can have it, I don't get how you eat, but don't gain any weight."

"Sweet." Terry grabbed Natalie's untouched fruit cup. Had Natalie been nibbling on the same carrot for the entire lunch? No, that couldn't be true her sandwich was gone.

"So, does anyone want to go to the gym with me?"

"No way, I met you there yesterday." Erin said.

"Ok, I'll go alone."

"Do you want to hang at my house instead you blew me off for the gym a few days ago?" Amanda asked.

"Oh, I'm really trying to bulk up for swimming you know."

"Oh ok, I guess I wouldn't understand swimming."

If Natalie was building muscle she would need more protein Amanda was determined to help.

"Hey, dad, I'm worried, Natalie isn't eating right, she ate like a sandwhich, but is trying to gain muscle, she's gonna pass out."

"Then just tell her she's not eating right."

"She just needs protein it's not a huge deal, I don't want it to sound like a huge deal."

"Then bring her protein bars."

"Thanks."

So Amanda did.

"Here Nat, try this it's cheesecake flavor and I know you're trying to gain muscle so it'll help."

"Oh thanks cool." Natalie too a bite she seemed in bliss for about 2 seconds, before utter fear flashed in her eyes, all of a sudden both went away and her fake smile was in place.

"This is really good it tastes just like cheesecake."

"Are you gonna eat the rest of your lunch?" Amanda was only a little concerned since Natalie was eating the protein bar she brought her.

"Um no, I had a huge breakfast and this was pretty filling." Natalie said pointing at the bar's wrapper.

Amanda kept bringing Natalie protein bars, but Natalie would only eat the protein bar.

Natalie was also going to the gym a lot. Amanda stopped believing it was to bulk up, she went with her once and all Amanda did was run on the treadmill and elliptical, if she was really getting ripped like she said she would do weights.

Amanda had to admit Natalie's legs did look toned, but that was it. Natalie looked exhausted all the time and her clothes looked a bit bigger, Natalie's usual glow on her tan Puerto Rican skin was paling.

Amanda wanted to check on Natalie, but she was walking very fast. Soon Natalie entered the bathroom. Amanda followed she would just wait until she was done. Tiffany was in there washing her hands.

"Hey Fatty Natty." Tiffany said slamming her hand on the stall Natalie was in before leaving.

Amanda glanced at the stall and realized Natalie was kneeling. She put her ear to the stall, there were light retching noises.

"Nat are you okay, do you want me to get the nurse?"

"Shit." Natalie said then quickly continued, "um yeah I'm not feeling well."

That was it Natalie had just been sick. Amanda rushed off.

Natalie went home, but was back the next day.

"Glad to see you're feeling better."

"Yeah." Natalie usually had intricate outfits, but today was just wearing some jeans and a black sweatshirt. Her response also felt less...less...Natalie. 

"Are you doing play auditions today?" Amanda asked.

"Oh, I totally forgot that was today, thanks for reminding me."

"No problem, by the way I'm totally coming." Natalie smiled, a real smile.

Natalie's audition started. She began singing some Broadway song Amanda couldn't recognize, but it sounded great.

Natalie was being told to begin her monologue, when she said she needed water, she grabbed her water, took a large swig, she was walking back to center stage and passed out.

"Oh my god, Natalie."

Amanda wouldn't remember walking to the nurses office because she had a panic attack when Natalie passed out. Her first panic attack. It was just a blur of somewhat recognizable events.

Natalie wouldn't remember because she didn't come to until she was in the nurses office.

"Oh good you're awake." Natalie just rubbed the spot where she had hit her head. "I want answers." Natalie didn't want to tell Amanda anything, and she didn't have to, but she asked for the school nurse to leave anyway.

"Mandy, I lied."

"No duh, I already figured that out, I want an explanation as to why you're not eating."

"I've been having a hard time figuring..." Natalie paused and bit her lip thinking of a way to phrase it, "things out, and then Tiffany said some things about me." Natalie had tears in her eyes.

"She wouldn't stop, and I just wanted to be her friend." Natalie was full on sobbing now. "I wasn't thinking right and I guess I thought maybe, she'd like me if I lost a couple pounds."

Amanda sighed.

"And you weren't sick that day."

"No, you started bringing me protein bars, and I had to eat them, but I felt so gross, I've just been feeling so gross lately, so I'd get rid of it, I was doing it at my dad's house too, mom didn't even notice I wasn't eating, she would just say I was losing weight."

"You need to tell Lena, what that bitch said."

"But she's right, I'm gross, I'm fat, I'm disgusting, and greasy and the uncute chubby."

"Shut up, I can't believe you think that, Natalie you're so pretty, you're hot, skinny, your eyelashes are perfect, your hair is always amazing, your skin is flawless, your boobs are always perky, I don't think you've ever gotten a pimple in your life, you are a makeup guru, even though you look just as good without make up, your skin is so soft, your facial structure looks hand crafted."

"You look at me." Natalie asked. Amanda blushed.

"Uh yeah, I do." Amanda refocused, "what have you been figuring out?"

"Just stuff."

"What stuff?"

"I can't tell you."

"We're best friends what can't you tell me?" Natalie bit her lip.

"It's about Scott."

"But, you broke up."

"It's about why." Natalie looked away.

"Oh my God Natalie did he... Do things to you without consent?"

"No, Scott is the sweetest, well no actually he is kind of sleazy, but he's a good guy, I was the problem."

"I doubt that."

"You don't even know why we broke up."

"Then tell me."

"I already told you, no."

"I already told you we're best friends I don't care."

"Yes you will."

"Try me."

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Being such a great person, such an amazing, nice person."

Amanda crawled onto the nurses table next to Natalie. She didn't know this was the exact thing her dad had done when Jude and Connor started dating.

"Please just tell me."Natalie sighed she could feel tears in her eyes, but Amanda deserved to know and she needed to do this.

"Scott and I were fooling around and I gave him a hand job and he wanted to do the same to me and I knew I didn't want to, but I gave him permission and the second he put a finger in I just felt gross we had to stop."

"That's no big deal you just didn't want to do it, and you're just 14 you probably shouldn't have done it, maybe you'll like it in the future, but he didn't mean to hurt you or-"

"That's not it, I don't think I'll ever like it, because I like girls."

"What?"

"I'm gay." Amanda hugged Natalie.

"I'll always accept you no matter what."

Natalie turned Amanda's head and smashed her lips to Amanda's, Amanda kissed back to her best ability. Natalie gave out a moan before backing away.

"I'm so so sorry." Amanda quickly said."I don't want to say this but, I'm straight I just don't think of you like that."

Natalie had a few tears run down her eyes.

"But you kissed back."

"I didn't want you feeling like I thought you were gross, because you're not."

"I should of asked before kissing you, I'm such a bad friend." Natalie had her face in her hands.

"Hey, I love you, just platonically, but I meant everything I said about how beautiful you are and some day a girl will be really really into you and she'll love you, just not platonically."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and don't say anything about us not being friends anymore we are definitely still friends."

"It doesn't make you uncomfortable."

"No, I trust you." Amanda smiled wiped away some of Natalie's tears with her thumb and added. "If you ever need to bring a girl as your fake girlfriend, I got you."

"It just feels so great to finally kiss a girl again."

"How does it feel?"

"Relaxing, soft, amazing, like I'm finally breathing."

"Wait when did you kiss a girl?"

"My first kiss at summer camp when I was turning 10 it wasn't a big deal."

"No way."

For the next few weeks, Natalie worked on her anorexia and bulimia, she also went to counseling for her self esteem issues. But the real thing was, Amanda helped her.

Age 15:

"Shouldn't we be happy she likes boys, because we can understand them." Connor said.

"No, boys only want one thing at this age."

"You didn't." Connor debated.

"You did."

"My point is Mandy is a good girl, it's a group date, if I wasn't allowed to date at this age, I wouldn't have been allowed to date you."Jude sighed.

"I trust Mandy it's this Liam kid I don't trust, William has the exact same amount of letters as trouble."

"You're unbelievable."Connor said.

Connor had calmed down about Amanda dating and after a year the roles had switched again, Jude was back to being protective, after catching his "little girl" trying to get a boy's shirt off while passionately making out with him, Jude couldn't just relax.

Connor was back to being relaxed and trusting. On the other hand Connor had taken her to a self defense class and gave her pepper spray to defend herself so his chillness could be debated.

"Dads, I'm leaving, love you." Amanda yelled opening the door.

"Wait, Mandy, rules." Jude yelled back. Amanda sighed and closed the door walking over to her dads .

"M'kay what."

"Check in with us when you get there, no drugs at all none, not medical, not illegal, just none, and please be responsible if it comes to alcohol." Connor said.

"Also you better be back with your virginity by 12:30 no later." Jude added.

"You're being a hard ass." Connor said to Jude."Be responsible be back by 1:00, but any later and your dad might pass out." Connor smiled. "And remember your pepper spray."

"Dads, it's just a group date."

"Whatever, now question time." Amanda groaned because Jude was going to bombard her with questions.

"Who are his parents?"

"Lissa and Kent Rosanene."

"Who is driving?"

"Liam."

"Are you guys internet official?" Connor was asking the questions he cared about.

"No."Connor squinted as if trying to figure something out.

"Will there be adult supervision of any kind on this group date?" Jude asked.

"Probably."

"Yes or no." Jude said sternly.

"Yes."

"Is he a good kisser." Connor asked

"Bye dads."

"Not so fast." Jude said.

Jude stepped closer and pulled Mandy's skirt an inch down and pulled at the shoulders of her shirt covering a little more of her cleavage up.

"Really dad?"

"Have fun." Connor interjected before there could be any further debate. Amanda took the opportunity to rush out the door.

"Not too much fun." Jude grumbled.

Age 16:

"What did you do for your sweet 16 Aunt Mari?"

Marianna was over at Jude and Connor's house to hang out with Amanda today. She was painting Amanda's nails and talking.

"I didn't have a huge sweet 16, my real party was my quinceañera."

"Oh my gosh that is so cool."

"Mandy, that doesn't mean I can't help you throw an amazing sweet 16."

"What did you do for your sweet 16 anyway just have pizza and hang or something?"

"No, it was a warehouse dance party." Marianna says acting like it wasn't a big deal.

"That's amazing I wish I was there maybe I can do that"

"You would have to ask your dads, Jude is a hard ass."

"I heard that and no warehouse birthday party, we can't afford a warehouse." Jude was making dinner in the kitchen and the door was open.

"Whatever." Marianna yelled at Jude moving to shut the door. "Anyway Mandy, who are you inviting?"

"All my friends, some kids who seem cool, I don't know."

"Are you inviting any cute boys?" Marianna wiggled her eye brows and smirked.

"Well there is this guy Todd, he's blonde and cute and amazing."

Liam and Amanda had been over for a while.

"Ooh do you have pics?" Amanda pulled up his Instagram making sure not to smudge the wet polish.

"Cute, you have to invite him." Marianna squealed like a teenager despite being 43.

Connor had just gotten home from work and stepped into Amanda's room. He sat next to Marianna.

"Ooh are we talking about cute boys?" Connor laid down on his stomach with his elbows keeping him up. Trying to look super interested.

Amanda rolled her eyes at her dad. She didn't realize Marianna would tell him.

"Yep," she showed him the picture, " this is Todd, Mandy has a major crush on him."

"Mari!" Amanda yelled. "This is why I talk to Aunt Taylor about boys."

"He is hot though." Connor added, "Okay, so I have like this crush on this guy Jude he's like so hot, he has Ah-Mah-zing eyes, and he is really cool, it would be like a tragedy if he didn't go out with me." Connor did his best impression of a valley girl.

"Leave this conversation, Connor." Marianna said looking him in the eye.

"Okay I'm going." Connor got up and left.

"Back to planning."

The day of the party

"Omg Mandy you are soooo smart no other girl has done a luau sweet 16 which is so stupid because we live on the beach." Natalie said over the music. 

It was already dark, but Marianna surprised Mandy with a ton of glow sticks. That with the fire and tiki torches kept the party bright enough to continue.

"I think I ate a bazillion fruit kabobs." Terry said."Oh BTW Todd is walking up to you." Terry pointed her in the direction of Todd.

"Hi Todd." Amanda giggled. 

"Hey Mandy." he handed her a pink lea even though she already had 2 as well as ankle and arm ones. "Thought you might need another."

"Yeah heh." Amanda was so nervous. "Do you like the party?"Todd took a step closer.

"I'd like the party more if you would kiss me."Amanda stared at Todd for a few seconds before he nervously added, "I uh heard you like me, and I like you, so I hope it's true.

Despite the cheesy line Amanda leaned in and kissed him, it was a short kiss, but Amanda blushed. 

Mari was nearby and wolf whistled. Jude also saw it and pushed Mari for encouraging his daughter.

"Will you go on a date with me?" Todd looked just as nervous as Amanda.

"Yes." Amanda squealed.

"Great, I'll text you, and uh great party, Happy birthday."

"Cool." Todd walked away and Terry came back squealing.

"Oh my God, Todd just asked you out, let's take a birthday selfie to remember this moment."

Terry and Amanda did a silly pose. Amanda knew Terry was gonna post it.

"Tag me."

"Obviously."

It was captioned: Mandy won the best sweet 16 contest. No debating #BestPartyEVER


	7. Age 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake and Amanda meet at age 17.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly angsty.

Age 17:

"Mandy, we need to talk to you."

Jude walked into Mandy's room and she pulled her earbuds out. Connor was right behind Jude.

"What's up?"

"I know we've fostered other kids before, but um we're thinking of fostering a teenager."

"What?"

"A kid around your age got out of an abusive home and he has no where to go." Connor was using the guilt card. Amanda's face immediately changed

"Yah, dads it's fine it's not like we haven't fostered other kids, as long as I don't have to share my room it's cool." Connor laughed.

"Nope he'll be in the guest bedroom."

"Cool." Mandy paused and bit her lip a little."What's his name?"

"Blake." Connor answered.

Amanda started to look scared. "Mandy, are you okay?"

"I'm just nervous, aren't you scared?" Amanda continued, "What if he doesn't like us?"

"He'll like you, everybody likes you, Mandy." Jude said reassuringly.

She tried to smile, but she was worried for her dads.

Amanda's POV

Blake was... Stand offish and seemed... Disconnected.

From the beginning he seemed scared. His eyes flickered all over the house. Taking breaks to stop looking at furniture and stare at each of us. He looked at me the longest. Dads were talking to him, but he probably wasn't listening. 

I thought that if I looked at him he would stop staring, but he didn't seem to care. I was in the far corner of the room at any moment I could turn, go down the hallway, and lock myself in my room. Away from Blake and Away from the tension, but I didn't move. 

I was going to figure Blake out.

From the outside I knew Blake had dark brown hair that was roughly cut and he had long bangs that reached his eyes, his brown eyes. 

I was told he was 14, but he looked about 16 based on height alone.

He had big rosy cheeks. Maybe he would look better if he smiled.

That's my mission to find out before he leaves I'm gonna figure out how he looks smiling. 

A week later (back to narrator)

Amanda paused in front of the white door it was pretty late at night for the bathroom light to be on.

"Blake?" she asked. There was the faint sound of something small and metal dropping. "You okay?" there was no reply. Amanda grabbed the bathroom key from a drawer in Jude's study.

She walked in. Blake was holding his upper arm, there was blood in the sink, and he was reaching for a razor that was on the floor.

"I told you I'd be right out."

"I-I I didn't hear you." Amanda stepped closer. "What are you doing?"

"Just stop." Blake flinched away from her touch refusing to move his hand away from where his arm was covering.

"I asked if you were okay."

"So." Amanda could tell Blake just wanted to leave. She shut the door quietly.

"Why were you cutting yourself?" Blake mumbled something in response. "What did you say?"

Blake tried to leave again but Amanda stepped in front of him. "Just don't tell Connor and Jude."

"Tell me why you're cutting yourself." Amanda said louder.

Blake mumbled something again.

"Did you just say..." Amanda stepped closer again and noticed the glisten of Blake's eyes. "You don't deserve it, those people who hurt you were crazy, you never deserve to hurt."

"Yes, I do, Amanda." Blake started crying softly. Amanda went to hug him, but Blake just sunk to the floor. "I'm worthless, you have parents that love you, just look at your room, and your stuff and everything."

"You're not worthless, that's not true, my dads love you."

"No, they don't, they're gonna give me away when they realize how broken I am." Blake finally let go of his arm showing more then just cuts.

Blake had long scars that went all the way down his shoulder.  
"I didn't deserve to be rescued." Blake sniffed.

"That's great."

"What?"

"You have scars."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Scars show you're healing, they mean you've been through something bad, but you survived." Amanda pulled her pajama shirt a little to the side to show the scar near her collar bone and showed Blake the ones near the bottom few ribs.

"Dad er Jude has scars too, he was in 6 foster homes before he was adopted."

"Were you abused?" Blake was looking at Amanda's scar.

"No, it was a hospital problem, my um, my brother died in child birth it shou-would of been me, the hospital even thought I had died. It killed my biological mom." Amanda started to sniffle, but wiped away her tears.

"Mandy." Blake whispered. They sat in silence on the cold tile of the bathroom floor for a little while.

"Why do you deserve it?" Amanda asked breaking the silence.

"Because I could have helped myself."

"Why didn't you help yourself?"

"I- i don't know." Blake sighed.

"Well, if it was because 'you deserved it' then you've gotten yourself in a circle of things that aren't true Blake." She air quoted. "You are amazing Blake, you are talented, and if you had hurt yourself or they had hurt you I wouldn't have met you, You're great, I'm glad I met you." Amanda said truthfully.

Blake got off the floor. Amanda followed. "Are you going to stop cutting yourself?"

Blake looked down.

"Yes."

"Promise me." Blake was silent. Amanda sighed.

"Are you going to try to stop, and remember you're healing every time you think of cutting."

Blake smiled. "Yes."

"Will you tell me when you're done cutting, so we can flush your razors together?"

"If." Blake corrected.

"When." Amanda argued. She looked at him waiting for an answer.

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"Promise." There was silence for a while neither moving to leave. Blake cleared his throat. "Are you going to tell your dads?"

"If it doesn't stop then yeah, I will, I want you to be safe."

"You're a good sister." Blake mumbled inaudibly.

"What was that?" Amanda asked.

"Nothing." Blake was looking down through his bangs, but smiling. It wasn't a wide smile, but a smile nonetheless.

For 3 more days Amanda woke up in the middle of the night albeit on purpose this time. Every time the light was on and she heard faint crying. Amanda wondered if she should tell her dads. She would wait a few more days.

2 weeks later

Amanda was listening to music again.

"And I'll fall, and I'll break, and I'll fake, All I wanna."

"Amanda." Blake whispered clutching his hand shut around something. He realized Amanda couldn't hear him. "Amanda." he tried again.

"And I'll fall down, and I'll break down, and I'll fake you out."

"Amanda!" he yelled. Amanda jumped.

"Oh! you scared me Blake, what's up?"

Blake avoided the question. "What song is that?"

"Fake you out by Twenty One Pilots."

"Cool, I think I'll check them out."

"Blake, I'm pretty sure you didn't just come here to ask what I was listening too."

"Um yeah about that." Blake went back to a whisper. "I think I'm ready." he stopped clutching the razor and gave it to Amanda.

"Blake, that's great."

They headed to the bathroom. The bathroom where Amanda found out. The bathroom Blake had been so tempted to go in.

"I-uh-you." Blake stuttered and tried again. "Before you found me I wanted to stop." Blake was crying again. "I wanted so bad to stop, but I kne-thought I deserved to be h-hurt and I wasn't getting hurt here but I felt like I needed it, Blake took a breath, "to escape this perfect place, I didn't think I deserved to be loved."

"Yes you do."

"I know," He reached for Amanda's hand, "I'm healing." Blake was smiling through his tears.

Amanda wrapped the razor in toilet paper and threw it in the toilet. Blake put his hand on the handle.

"You know, I tried to stop the day you found me, and throughout the days I stopped hating the wait before night time, it became a relief to know I couldn't, that I had to wait." 

Blake sniffed again wiping away a tear. "I didn't." he sniffed again. "I didn't cut myself yesterday or the day before, I knew you were watching to see if I was in there." Blake flushed the toilet."I was there, but I did-don't want to anymore."

Amanda hugged Blake."Thank you." He whispered.

"Do you want to listen to music in my room together?" 

"Is that what you're supposed to do when you finish flushing razors?"

"No, but it is what we are going to do." Amanda could see the smile in Blake's eyes.

Connor passed by Amanda's open door. He was going to tell her to lower the music but saw that Blake was dancing with her and decided to just leave it.

"Jude, I think they like each other."

"That's gonna suck when Blake leaves, I think she liked being his big sister."

"Yeah, but he has a family that's adopting him, that's huge 14 year olds don't get adopted a lot."

"Yeah." Jude agrees.

"CAUSE I'M TWISTED UP, I'M TWISTED UP...INSIDE." Blake and Amanda sang together in her room using her speakers. Blake paused it.

"Which one is this?"

"Semi-automatic also by twenty one pilots."

"They're good."

"Yeah, well why'd you pause it?" Amanda laughed.

"I have something to tell you." Blake said, "I'm getting adopted by this family in Georgia." Amanda hugged Blake.

"That is fantabulous you're gonna be a southerner, you have to text me, and keep listening to twenty one pilots."

"I will, you're the coolest 17 year old I've ever met, most are jerkwads."

"Well you're the coolest 14 year old I've ever met, I'm going to miss you." Blake hugged Amanda.

"Maybe we'll see each other again."

"I hope so."


End file.
